Letters (Sex & Sexuality)

My wife wants to dictate our sex life

My wife is a successful, assertive business person. I am thrilled that she is fulfilled in her work, but she brings that same driven mindset home. I can handle the way she manages the household, but not the way she dictates the terms of our sex life. She schedules our sex as if it is part of her agenda to be completed between the weather report and ‘main points.’ Her driven nature may work great in the business world, but it fails miserably in bed. What should I do?

Mr. Ajuwon, Kogi

Sex should be driven primarily by your relationship, not a production quota. If either partner makes sex a controlled issue, intimacy goes off the bottom of the profit chart. Your wife’s controlling style has worked well for her on the job, and it is hard for her to relinquish it once she gets home. These same controlling behaviours also protect her from relational and emotional issues that are less comfortable for her.

It might be a good idea to borrow the terms and methods of relating in the business world, where your wife feels comfortable. Start ‘speaking her language’ by making an appointment with her, through her support staff. When you get together, have a written proposal for her to consider. Begin by affirming her as a successful executive, telling her the things you mentioned in your letter to me. Next, assure her of your support and love (you are not staging a walkout). Then ask her to consider your point of view. Make this statement appropriately clear: You want to have a closer relationship with her; more emotional, and sexual intimacy. Let her know you feel unfulfilled, disregarded and relegated to the status of just one more agenda item. Tell her you want a sense of mutuality in your sex life. Finally, propose a new ‘contract agreement’ that would restore romance and warmth into your partnership. That may require some lunch meetings or weekend conferences in one of the eateries

At the same time, get your wife’s input about how she would like you to be as a husband. She is an assertive person used to taking control. She may be waiting for you to exercise more strength. Even strong women like to be able to lean on their men.



I ejaculate prematurely

I have a problem with premature ejaculation. I cannot last more than five or 10 minutes during intercourse. My wife is kind about it, but I feel disappointed and embarrassed. How can I last longer?

Mr. Onomen Ogbularo

Now that we are familiar with the sexual potential of women, there is far greater pressure on husbands to bring their wives to climax. This creates dramatic anxiety to perform, which has triggered an ‘epidemic’ of premature ejaculation. Anxiety during sex is, however, not the only factor.

Sometimes, a man has a history of hurried experiences, either from the environmental norms or from rushing sex for fear of being caught in premarital relationship. Some genetic theorists explain that early ejaculations often have a better success rate for impregnation (in other words: not as much satisfaction, but great for conceiving children). Nevertheless, there is no question that performance anxiety undoubtedly turns up the speed, and there is no doubt that the male response time is inherently different from the female. Your experience is typical: Five or 10 minutes of direct stimulation will usually be adequate for ejaculation.

Therefore, the issue really gets down to mutual marital satisfaction. The definition used clinically for premature ejaculation rests on the percentage of times the wife is left disappointed (50 per cent being the arbitrary number). Rather than perceiving the speed of a man’s response as a biological deficiency, it is preferable for couples to see their teamwork in pleasurable sex as a delightful challenge. It helps to remember that simultaneous orgasm is not the only satisfactory conclusion to sexual play. In addition, foreplay can speed up a wife’s response to become more in harmony with her husband’s, and a husband’s stimulus time before ejaculation can be lengthened.

You and your spouse can de-condition your quick response by using the effective ‘squeeze technique’ described in my book on sex. A woman stimulates her husband to the point just before ejaculation, and then applies firm symmetrical pressure to the shaft of the penis just below the glans (the head of the penis). The pressure of this ‘squeeze’ is maintained for several seconds until the feeling of ejaculatory inevitability goes away. After a pause, stimulation is resumed until an orgasm is imminent again; then the squeeze is re-applied.

This technique can be practiced for several minutes at each setting, ending with intercourse or ejaculation by manual stimulation. These adjustments take time and practice, but over a period of months, you should develop a noticeable increase in stimulus time before ejaculation.

Besides, working through this kind of problem can be great for your marriage. It is encouraging to know that your wife is kind. That is an essential ingredient. As you focus on giving your wife pleasure and meeting her needs, your premature ejaculation may not matter so much anymore. Try the squeeze technique, but also practice relaxing. Tension aggravates the problem. Then, you can use the Cialis drug that many said it worked for them after consulting your doctor.

After our first child, my husband has lost appetite for sex

My husband and I have a one-year-old son, and for months, my husband has had no interest in sex. I am always the initiator, and he turns me down with excuses about being tired or having financial worries. I wonder what it would be like to be married to someone who made me feel wanted and beautiful. What do you suggest?

Mrs. Uche Matins, Cameroon



Humm, there are many reasons a husband might lose interest in sex. Fatigue and financial worries are legitimate causes for many men. You also seem to connect his disinterest with the birth of your baby.

Pregnancy and delivery of a baby cause more than just abdominal stretch marks and post-partum depression for the mother. New dads get their own set of psychological stretch marks that can make sex less appealing. A father often reacts to the invasion of his space by a competitor. Suddenly he does not have you all to himself. Here is this other little male getting time at your breast. The baby puts new time constraints on both of you. Your focus of attention and affection may have shifted toward your son. In addition, your husband knows that, as a father, he is not supposed to feel jealous of his own baby. Nonetheless, subtle resentment can develop.

Another factor can be a husband‘s unconscious compartmentalisation of ‘mothers‘ versus ‘sexual playmates‘. As a mother, you have moved onto a somewhat sacred, revered pedestal outside the category of women who are sexually stimulating. You may have encouraged this attitude if you wanted a break from sexual play after childbirth.

Remember how you felt about the changes in your body during pregnancy? Your husband may have had some strong reactions, too. Men can be easily offended about earthy stuff like labour and delivery, episiotomies and lactation. The idea of getting you pregnant again may have cooled him on intercourse.

Talking these things through is best, but if he refuses, there are other things you can do. First, try to decrease his life pressures and financial demands, since these are the excuses most men give. Then, try to find out if he has emotional needs that have been left unmet since the baby came. Again, work toward regaining your figure and your playful, romantic and sensual availability. In addition, you can make baby-sitting arrangements; kidnap him to some romantic spot and seduce him, big time. Finally, let him know he is still your sex hero. However, if you are wondering what it would be like to be married to someone ”who made you feel wanted and beautiful,” you could be vulnerable to an affair. Please, please be careful! Do not make the mistake of thinking you can listen to someone say how beautiful you are and not be lured into trouble. Make a firm decision ahead of time that you will not let your vulnerability trap you into a compromising situation.

Source:punchng.com